Lurker's playground.

i hate this i hate this so much whenever i indulge in creative moods it just reminds me of how much life sucks for not giving you enough time to do all the things you want to do. i want to be so much and i know i know i can do all of these things i want to be an artist i want to illusrate i want to design i want to model i want to act i want to do comedy i want to just be fucking known as a centuple threat to anyone in the end i just. want. to. be. fucking. famous. and everyone and i know i can fucking do all these things there is so much possibility that makes me value every fucking day i have on earth and to think i have to spend half of it rotting away in schooling when my life aspirations are so out of reach during this disgusting time period i have to go through

that's why i refrain

i guess i should get to bed to start on the long haul of regaining the hours of sleep i've invested in rally day preparation, but i would just like assure you all that the time did prove itself to be useful; junior class won rally day categories of originality, pep squad, class participation, and above all things in my case- poster.



and i "met" a german foreign exchange student


i think that is all for now

Michael and I walked up to a lonely scene girl taking pictures by the graffiti wall. We asked if we could be in her pictures, and her friends reluctantly said yes. Our poses were seductive and we walked off, her friends reassuring us we'll get them on Myspace one way or another.

I'll never see that girl or her friends again ! I love jumping in people's lives, even if its for a split second that will mean nothing. Still made an impact.



Ship me off to India for awhile, please?

I'm updating from my itouch because I have too much free time and, quite frankly, I adore the tick-tick sound when I punch each key. I'm getting better at typing on this. Wonderful practice, I suppose.

Christmas went well. Spent the last three days of the holiday season gathering up some last minute gifts. I really do agree with the whole mindset of "giving is receiving". Last Christmas was the best Christmas, only because I actually spent my time putting other's interests first. This year, I hardly saw this season coming at all. It scared me. So on account of me not putting others first, this Christmas felt rushed and incomplete.

On another note, I'm feeling a lot happier about myself. Taking things nice and slow, but still feeling the rush and craze of a jampacked vacation of adventure. I've come to appreciate the people who have earned their place as my friends. All such amazing people, each with a different thing to offer to the table. Couldn't be more grateful for the position I'm in today. Weeding out, growin' up towards the butiful dreemwurl of the sky, hahah.

As I lay here in my bed in the rare silence of my room, I reread this passage and smile, smile, smile.

Life has been so good to me lately.


Thank you, thank you, thank you

i have a mohawk

I want to be needed
I want to be needed
I want to be needed
I want to be needed
I want to be needed
I want to be needed
I want to be needed
I want to be needed
I'd like to be needed.
Ok I'd just really enjoy it if someone needed me for once.

You probably think I've been sulking all week thinking of you.
You probably think I'm anxious to hear what you have to say.
You probably think I'm wriggling in my seat, begging for your attention.


BUT YOU'RE WRONG !
Should my focus really be on you? I suppose so, but I feel a pleasure in saying its not.
I couldn't be less effected as of now.


Lettin go, Grabbin on, Calling All Skeletons.
Haha hehe haha hehe.
You're so vain.

ohmygod. Oh my GODDDD ohMYgod
I can't explain right now.
My future self will read this and know what was up.

For two reasons, one of which I cry easily to the things I love crying about.

I'm listening to Njosnavelin and it's reminding me of Vanilla Sky, a beautiful movie.

I almost cried watching The Royal Tenenbaums but then thought about the movie later and cried. I respect movies with scenes that look beautiful in every shot. Like you could just freeze frame it at any moment and hang it up on your wall as art.

Martin asked me to be his girlfriend again on top of the roof of his car.



Things are going well, thank you for stopping by.

no motivation to write, honestly
i'm always so tired

I WANT YOU SO BAD.

Oh and I know it's mutual.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is what it's like when an unstoppable force meets and immovable object.

Here I am cuddled in my spot up on the top bunk of this RV hanging onto my one, little bar of wifi. It's all I have ! No cellphone reception, so it's the best I could have for now. It's been almost a week since my father and I decided to evacuate at the last minute from New Orleans, Louisiana due to Hurricane Gustav. Won't go into much detail, but we came back to Ruston after somewhat of a debate.

I'd call this a false alarm, but that gives somewhat of a bad connotation to this whole trip. Wasn't expecting it to be great, but it turned out to be worth the effort. Stayed with the Dwyer's for most the time. They're so nice it makes my skin hurt and makes me wish I could be as nice as they involuntarily are.
Got to see friends, some not as expected as others, but all were enjoyed.

Didn't get to talk to many friends due to horrible cell phone reception. Every occasion we came into town, I was bombarded with texts waiting to arrive to me, some of which were uncalled for and didn't want to hear. (You'd know it if you sent it.)

Anyway, knowing everything at home was safe allowed me to unwind and enjoy my time up here.
Girl Talk has also kept me alive.
And I'm on my way back home tomorrow morning.

Nawlinz, I know you've missed me.

I'm right back to the same place I come to every night.

It's one in the morning and listening to Arcade Fire to calm me down. Intervention. I don't have any clue what's going to happen this weekend. Everything will be moving at such a fast pace around me that I won't have time to look around and see what's happening until it's all passed and gone. Friend's are packing and getting the hell out of here while hurricanes are inching closer and closer. The time span has been in a matter of hours. I cannot concentrate on any one person talking, only mixed blur of words and letters which I'm left to decipher myself, and I don't understand any of it. Garden State scene x10. I'm saying goodbyes to people I've cared about for long amounts of time and not thinking twice about how sincere I sound, because I'm in denial these people will ever leave my side. It's going to rain down on me sooner or later, I know it. They've been crying. I HAVE BEEN CRYING. I've been thrown around and dumped, and I crawl back into my bed on a Friday morning of one o' clock to reflect upon everything on this online journal.


I haven't had time to think much about Martin and I. It happened, I was upset, I still am, But this is nothing I've been thinking that much in depth about. I'd like to think about it more, but it was just something I was expecting for what seemed like an eternity, so I've done all the thinking I could until the breaking point happened, then it dropped. I don't want to ignore, but this is not the time.


Screw school.
Screw their lack of sincerity.
Screw anything they've ever felt the need to live up to.


But I've got to remind myself that all of these things are a step by step process, we can't put one foot down before knowing where the other one's placed.
No skipping, no leaping, just a steady walk.
Waiting, waiting, waiting.

It never really came back from Saturday night. Where did you go, positive energy? Why'd you take me on a nice walk and then sneak up from behind to push me off the ledge? I hit the ground pretty hard. Harder than you thought, my friend. But oh, it doesn't stop there, because once I picked myself back up from this rock bottom you managed to once again hit me with one final blow.

^^^^ Stop being cryptic. Martin and I broke up. We're attempting to still be friends.

But really, tell me this. When you've got someone with a personality and can involuntarily accommodate all that you really and truely are, why drop them to live this normalcy of a life you've been tricking yourself into thinking you should be living? What are the odds of meeting someone who can seriously fit hand in hand with your true self and not even try? Why waste that? Am I crazy? I am. When you can quote Such Great Heights and feel it in your bones as truth, then you know it's something. Then again, we won't know.


"it's a sign when the freckles in our eyes are mirror images and when we kiss, they're perfectly aligned"



PS - Freakin' bout Gustav. Friends are moving if he doesn't chill out.
Chill.
Out.
Please.

I'm crying to Coldplay songs.
That's all I ever do ! Cry, cry, cry to songs.
Occasionally I dance, but the majority of the time I cry.


Now it's Lovers in Japan.
The wind is howling and the rain is pouring. Like me !
Swallowed in the Sea is up next.


I had to put my dog asleep a few days ago. I'm sad but it somehow brought me and my dad closer cause we were crying together. Something good out of something bad.

Not really a shut down, but a more like waiting around all night for nothing to happen.
My dad questioned me dozens of times of why I'm staying home by myself and I'm all, "Nothing's wrong with chilling out for the night."
Wutev, I like nights by myself.
I like all time by myself.


During Mass today I was refecting upon last year and how great it was. I loved all my teachers, I loved all the classes, this year is the polar opposite with a few exceptions. I got a lil warm fuzzy feeling of comfort being in those classes but now all I feel is cold and uncomfortable and bored. :(



Maybe things will change.
Should I go read Eclipse?

Life is slowing down.
I'd like to not think of it as an abrupt halt, but I haven't prepared myself for the end of summer and already, here it is, registration day tomorrow.


I'm listening to Hhallmark and it's making me want to sit here and cry.
The song just picked up the pace a tad bit with some symbols crashing; it made my arm hairs stand up.

Dauphin Island was good, Lollapalooza was amazing, a good way to end off the summer I suppose.


Surprisingly, life as of now is 99% free of complaints.
Rejoice !

There's nothing complicated about it.
The words are written up there in black and white, plain and simple.

The only complicated aspects to this are the human emotions. They're far too complex to be assigned to just one word. It should be considered a crime to sum up the most complex form of emotion into one, short, four-lettered word, leaving the English trying to fumble with words in attempt at describing their true feelings and sooner or later reach confusion and miscommunication. It's horrible.

The Greek's had it going on.
Four types of love:
Eros = Lust
Storge = The love of family
Philia = Deep friendship
Agape = The highest form of unconditional, "relationship" love.

All I'm really trying to say is that it's perfectly capable to be in Agape with someone, and having it fall out and ultimately being lucky enough to reach Philia with the same being. Yet, I'm now in Agape with another wonderful person, and he is with another person as well. Strangely, it couldn't have been a better situation.


To wrap this up,
"I love you" is not meaningless in this case, but too much meaning.

HEY !
I. Philia. You.