Lurker's playground.

hellsyah @ 2009-10-12T00:38:00

2009-10-12T05:47:36Z

i hate this i hate this so much whenever i indulge in creative moods it just reminds me of how much life sucks for not giving you enough time to do all the things you want to do. i want to be so much and i know i know i can do all of these things i want to be an artist i want to illusrate i want to design i want to model i want to act i want to do comedy i want to just be fucking known as a centuple threat to anyone in the end i just. want. to. be. fucking. famous. and everyone and i know i can fucking do all these things there is so much possibility that makes me value every fucking day i have on earth and to think i have to spend half of it rotting away in schooling when my life aspirations are so out of reach during this disgusting time period i have to go through

that's why i refrain

hellsyah @ 2009-02-21T00:02:00

2009-02-21T06:06:49Z

i guess i should get to bed to start on the long haul of regaining the hours of sleep i've invested in rally day preparation, but i would just like assure you all that the time did prove itself to be useful; junior class won rally day categories of originality, pep squad, class participation, and above all things in my case- poster.

and i "met" a german foreign exchange student

i think that is all for now

hellsyah @ 2009-01-02T23:07:00

2009-01-03T05:11:23Z

Michael and I walked up to a lonely scene girl taking pictures by the graffiti wall. We asked if we could be in her pictures, and her friends reluctantly said yes. Our poses were seductive and we walked off, her friends reassuring us we'll get them on Myspace one way or another.

I'll never see that girl or her friends again ! I love jumping in people's lives, even if its for a split second that will mean nothing. Still made an impact.

Ship me off to India for awhile, please?

Tick tick tick...

2008-12-26T06:35:03Z

I'm updating from my itouch because I have too much free time and, quite frankly, I adore the tick-tick sound when I punch each key. I'm getting better at typing on this. Wonderful practice, I suppose.

Christmas went well. Spent the last three days of the holiday season gathering up some last minute gifts. I really do agree with the whole mindset of "giving is receiving". Last Christmas was the best Christmas, only because I actually spent my time putting other's interests first. This year, I hardly saw this season coming at all. It scared me. So on account of me not putting others first, this Christmas felt rushed and incomplete.

On another note, I'm feeling a lot happier about myself. Taking things nice and slow, but still feeling the rush and craze of a jampacked vacation of adventure. I've come to appreciate the people who have earned their place as my friends. All such amazing people, each with a different thing to offer to the table. Couldn't be more grateful for the position I'm in today. Weeding out, growin' up towards the butiful dreemwurl of the sky, hahah.

As I lay here in my bed in the rare silence of my room, I reread this passage and smile, smile, smile.

hellsyah @ 2008-12-23T12:36:00

2008-12-23T18:37:03Z

Life has been so good to me lately.

Thank you, thank you, thank you

guess wut

2008-12-05T23:51:30Z

i have a mohawk

I'd like to be needed

2008-12-02T23:53:00Z

I want to be needed
I want to be needed
I want to be needed
I want to be needed
I want to be needed
I want to be needed
I want to be needed
I want to be needed
I'd like to be needed.
Ok I'd just really enjoy it if someone needed me for once.

You

2008-11-21T05:08:52Z

You probably think I've been sulking all week thinking of you.
You probably think I'm anxious to hear what you have to say.
You probably think I'm wriggling in my seat, begging for your attention.

BUT YOU'RE WRONG !
Should my focus really be on you? I suppose so, but I feel a pleasure in saying its not.
I couldn't be less effected as of now.

Lettin go, Grabbin on, Calling All Skeletons.
Haha hehe haha hehe.
You're so vain.

m-ville

2008-11-20T04:08:17Z

ohmygod. Oh my GODDDD ohMYgod
I can't explain right now.
My future self will read this and know what was up.

I like being on my period

2008-10-14T01:43:43Z

For two reasons, one of which I cry easily to the things I love crying about.

I'm listening to Njosnavelin and it's reminding me of Vanilla Sky, a beautiful movie.

I almost cried watching The Royal Tenenbaums but then thought about the movie later and cried. I respect movies with scenes that look beautiful in every shot. Like you could just freeze frame it at any moment and hang it up on your wall as art.

Martin asked me to be his girlfriend again on top of the roof of his car.

Things are going well, thank you for stopping by.

hellsyah @ 2008-09-23T23:03:00

2008-09-24T04:04:02Z

no motivation to write, honestly
i'm always so tired

hellsyah @ 2008-09-08T03:33:00

2008-09-08T08:33:36Z

I WANT YOU SO BAD.

Oh and I know it's mutual.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is what it's like when an unstoppable force meets and immovable object.

Labor Week

2008-09-05T04:16:29Z

Here I am cuddled in my spot up on the top bunk of this RV hanging onto my one, little bar of wifi. It's all I have ! No cellphone reception, so it's the best I could have for now. It's been almost a week since my father and I decided to evacuate at the last minute from New Orleans, Louisiana due to Hurricane Gustav. Won't go into much detail, but we came back to Ruston after somewhat of a debate.

I'd call this a false alarm, but that gives somewhat of a bad connotation to this whole trip. Wasn't expecting it to be great, but it turned out to be worth the effort. Stayed with the Dwyer's for most the time. They're so nice it makes my skin hurt and makes me wish I could be as nice as they involuntarily are.
Got to see friends, some not as expected as others, but all were enjoyed.

Didn't get to talk to many friends due to horrible cell phone reception. Every occasion we came into town, I was bombarded with texts waiting to arrive to me, some of which were uncalled for and didn't want to hear. (You'd know it if you sent it.)

Anyway, knowing everything at home was safe allowed me to unwind and enjoy my time up here.
Girl Talk has also kept me alive.
And I'm on my way back home tomorrow morning.

Nawlinz, I know you've missed me.

After it's all said and done

2008-08-29T06:28:09Z

I'm right back to the same place I come to every night.

It's one in the morning and listening to Arcade Fire to calm me down. Intervention. I don't have any clue what's going to happen this weekend. Everything will be moving at such a fast pace around me that I won't have time to look around and see what's happening until it's all passed and gone. Friend's are packing and getting the hell out of here while hurricanes are inching closer and closer. The time span has been in a matter of hours. I cannot concentrate on any one person talking, only mixed blur of words and letters which I'm left to decipher myself, and I don't understand any of it. Garden State scene x10. I'm saying goodbyes to people I've cared about for long amounts of time and not thinking twice about how sincere I sound, because I'm in denial these people will ever leave my side. It's going to rain down on me sooner or later, I know it. They've been crying. I HAVE BEEN CRYING. I've been thrown around and dumped, and I crawl back into my bed on a Friday morning of one o' clock to reflect upon everything on this online journal.

I haven't had time to think much about Martin and I. It happened, I was upset, I still am, But this is nothing I've been thinking that much in depth about. I'd like to think about it more, but it was just something I was expecting for what seemed like an eternity, so I've done all the thinking I could until the breaking point happened, then it dropped. I don't want to ignore, but this is not the time.

Screw school.
Screw their lack of sincerity.
Screw anything they've ever felt the need to live up to.

But I've got to remind myself that all of these things are a step by step process, we can't put one foot down before knowing where the other one's placed.
No skipping, no leaping, just a steady walk.
Waiting, waiting, waiting.

The good has to end someday.

2008-08-28T04:56:31Z

It never really came back from Saturday night. Where did you go, positive energy? Why'd you take me on a nice walk and then sneak up from behind to push me off the ledge? I hit the ground pretty hard. Harder than you thought, my friend. But oh, it doesn't stop there, because once I picked myself back up from this rock bottom you managed to once again hit me with one final blow.

^^^^ Stop being cryptic. Martin and I broke up. We're attempting to still be friends.

But really, tell me this. When you've got someone with a personality and can involuntarily accommodate all that you really and truely are, why drop them to live this normalcy of a life you've been tricking yourself into thinking you should be living? What are the odds of meeting someone who can seriously fit hand in hand with your true self and not even try? Why waste that? Am I crazy? I am. When you can quote Such Great Heights and feel it in your bones as truth, then you know it's something. Then again, we won't know.

"it's a sign when the freckles in our eyes are mirror images and when we kiss, they're perfectly aligned"

PS - Freakin' bout Gustav. Friends are moving if he doesn't chill out.
Chill.
Out.
Please.

Bleeejhjfhdkf

2008-08-24T20:42:55Z

I'm crying to Coldplay songs.
That's all I ever do ! Cry, cry, cry to songs.
Occasionally I dance, but the majority of the time I cry.

Now it's Lovers in Japan.
The wind is howling and the rain is pouring. Like me !
Swallowed in the Sea is up next.

I had to put my dog asleep a few days ago. I'm sad but it somehow brought me and my dad closer cause we were crying together. Something good out of something bad.

owwww, shut down

2008-08-16T02:44:24Z

Not really a shut down, but a more like waiting around all night for nothing to happen.
My dad questioned me dozens of times of why I'm staying home by myself and I'm all, "Nothing's wrong with chilling out for the night."
Wutev, I like nights by myself.
I like all time by myself.

During Mass today I was refecting upon last year and how great it was. I loved all my teachers, I loved all the classes, this year is the polar opposite with a few exceptions. I got a lil warm fuzzy feeling of comfort being in those classes but now all I feel is cold and uncomfortable and bored. :(

Maybe things will change.
Should I go read Eclipse?

hellsyah @ 2008-08-11T18:57:00

2008-08-12T00:00:52Z

Life is slowing down.
I'd like to not think of it as an abrupt halt, but I haven't prepared myself for the end of summer and already, here it is, registration day tomorrow.

I'm listening to Hhallmark and it's making me want to sit here and cry.
The song just picked up the pace a tad bit with some symbols crashing; it made my arm hairs stand up.

Dauphin Island was good, Lollapalooza was amazing, a good way to end off the summer I suppose.

Surprisingly, life as of now is 99% free of complaints.
Rejoice !

If there was a God

2008-07-28T14:32:19Z

He or she would shine through the music of Arcade Fire.

"Let's not open up a can of worms"

2008-07-27T08:57:55Z

^^^^^^^^^^
That's got to be the most heart-wrenching thing I've heard my dad tell me in a long time.

I've established a pretty fucking sturdy friendship. People who come out of a situation like us don't manage to stay friends for more than a year without being mature enough to have a good friendship under our belts.

Yet, I'm not allowed to see this person even though I've proved myself worthy to maintain this friendship and keep it like so.

When will I ever get some respect instead of having it dangled in front of my face and thrown out of the window?

Someone snap some sense into this man and let me take control of my own rules and regulations. I don't want an obstacle stopping me from keeping this friendship that could easily fall down the drain in an instant.

I swear to someone's God, I'm not an infant.

Is it just me

2008-07-26T06:58:05Z

Or did I not get a memo?
Sometimes ya know I feel like I don't have many friends. Many, many, many "acquaintances", of course. I'm friendly. I put myself out there as a helping hand, I'm not distant towards anyone I don't want to be distant with. But it's sad that it takes my best friends being out of town and my boyfriend busy with his friends to realize, "HANNAH ! YOU SUCK AT BEING CLOSE WITH A VARIETY OF PEOPLE !"

Sometimes I like how I am with my friend relationships but at times like these where I'm stuck at home fixing up a Wii all day that I realize this needs to change.

On the other hand, things to look forward to:
- Permit on Monday (wut, finally)
- Lolla in a week.
- Hair cut. Gotta love change.

Except... OH BTW DID YOU KNOW MY DAD IS GETTIN' MARRIED AND THE TWO CHILDREN MIGHT BE MOVING INTO OUR LITTLE BITTY HOUSE Um Um Ummmm wow can you say cramped and uncomfortable? I cried when my dad told me about it today. I cry for all the wrong reasons. Of course he thought I was sad about the whole thing but I'm NOT Mary is wonderful and so are the children but I hate change when it comes to my comfort zone a.k.a. my household a.k.a. which has only been shared between my father and I and fits us comfortably. This is touchy subject but I will hit base with it later.

I set up the wireless on the Wii 95% by myself. APPLAUSE !

Setting the standards for a insane role and not living to tell the tale.

2008-07-22T19:15:39Z

Quoted from a Youtube user:

"Madness is like gravity, all it takes is a little push"

- Who said that? Was it the Joker, or Heath Ledger?

He is right though. Role my ass! The joker is no more than what he was left with when he stopped playing Heath Ledger."

Ouch.

There's nothing to do

2008-07-21T05:40:56Z

So I've just been thinkin' thinkin' thinkin'
Myspace is boring, that's what I've been thinkin' thinkin' thinkin'

I'm at Mary's and there is nothing to do. At all. Except watch the television and lurk WCSMT. I always feel strange lurking, but not contributing. I don't have a camera here. If I did, this rush of boredom would go away. I'm talking on Meebo. Meebo sucks. I want my computer.

The Dark Knight was more that amazing. I'm not into super hero movies but Batman is kickass. Maybe cause he's not lame and doesn't have a super power. He's actually cool and uses all the hip technology. It's realistic. It could happen.... Kinda. Heath Ledger was amazing. He's always amazing. Why does so much talent have to fall from the planet? I almost cried thinking how this was his last movie, and he did it so well. *Refresh WCSMT* How does he do it? I love to act. It's something I've always wanted to do, but I've just been restricted to act out favorite movie scenes of mine in the shower since I was 10, or film myself when I'm home alone and replay it again. Haaaaaha, what a loser. That movie totally inspired me to play a mentally insane villian. I never really get to apply my acting towards anything. He makes me want to act. I think I'm good at it. There are a lot of things I think I'm somewhat up to par with, this is one of them. I wish I had opportunity to act. If anyone's making a movie and needs someone to play that roll, HIT ME UP. Heh. *Refresh WCSMT* Maybe I'll join a play.

But really, any of my "talents" are spent showing off to myself. I do them all in private. I hate showing my artwork to friends or people close to me. I take comfort in showing off myself to strangers. What? Huh? That doesn't make sense.

Life is good. My boyfriend is the best. My friends are the best. I'm spending my days outside tagging or taking pictures of tags. I'm planning to spray joker faces on random signs with people's heads on them. That would be nice if I had the balls to climb up and do some billboards. I love the heat, summer's my season. Fuck the cold. Fuck being inside, really.

Mary's wooden floors creak way too much, I don't want to wake up anyone in the house to go get something to drink. I'm always thirsty.

A dream

2008-07-21T03:44:28Z

I started "talking" to this boy that looked like Cillian Murphy, except with shoulder length wavy black hair and black rimmed glasses. It was around the third or fourth time we hung out and he invited me over to his house. I go over and walk into his room, and he's got someone tied to a chair with duct tape over his mouth. Cillian-look-a-like boy takes out a kitchen knife and starts cutting up this hostage, and I'm all, "What the fuck". The hostage finally dies and Cillian boy looks at me all sweet and grabs me by the arms telling me that we have to run and hide. We're running down the street and I'm panicking and somehow running incredibly fast. We hide behind a corner of someone's house. A cop comes speeding down to a house on the other side of the street and starts shooting the grass on the neighbor's yard (I didn't know why, but he obviously looked like he was occupied with that and I was upset that the cop wasn't going after Cillian boy because I was honestly freaked out by this boy now, but I still thought he was cute). He looks up and see's me and Cillian boy hiding and shines his flashlight in our direction and sets it on the ground still facing us. My heart is pounding really fast and and cop continues to step forward pointing a gun to us. We hold our hands up and the cop looks at Cillian boy and asks what we were doing. I was glad that the cop came to take Cillian boy, but he lies with his sweet voice and tells the cop that we're playing hide-and-seek with some of our friends. The cop reluctantly believes him and I almost start to cry and try to decide whether I should tell the cop that Cillian boy murdered someone and have the chance of Cillian boy killing me, or not saying anything and continue to be in danger with Cillian boy. But when I try to tell the cop, the cop is already gone. Cillian boy grips me by the shoulders and tells me that everything is going to be alright and I'm seriously freaked out by him. Soon, I'm sitting in my room with Elizabeth and other random friends and I tell them about my strange date with Cillian boy. I think about calling another cop and ratting the boy out but I'm unsure how long someone can go to jail for murdering someone. I'm kind of scared if it's only a few years because Cillian boy would know I was the one who told on him, and I thought he would try and take revenge against me. So I ask the question on MadRadStalkers on LiveJournal and a real cop answers my question and gives me his phone number if I have any more questions. I get really excited and get ready to call him, but I turn around and Cillian boy is sitting on my bed with Elizabeth and other friends glaring at me. The dream shifts to a few months later in this huge stadium filled with hardcore fans of some movie. (I don't know which one.) The stadium was obviously used to premiere the movie and all the fans were dressed up as the characters of the movie (This must have been in my dream because of The Dark Knight). Elizabeth is with me and I get up out of my seat and tell her that I need to go to the bathroom and that I'll be right back. The men and women's bathrooms are separate bathrooms, but in each bathroom there are doors to a communal bathroom in the middle of the private ones. I'm curious as to what the communal bathroom looks like so I open the door to look inside and I see Cillian boy and Michael Yahweh sitting on toilets taking shits and talking together. Cillian boy sees me and I get really nervous and slam the door shut. I run to one of the bathroom stalls and try to pretend nothing happened. I hear a door open and look underneath the stall and see Cillian boy's shoes. He walks closer to my stall and I can see him through the little crack in the door. As he goes to open my stall door, I wake up.

Looks like it's time for an update.

2008-07-12T04:25:23Z

I went tagging tonight.
It was a great rush.
I think I've found my way to spice up boring nights.